thirty-eight weeks of waiting. it’s almost time. she’s almost here.

but why do i feel so down?

i know, i know. i’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now. it’s all just hormones. it’s all normal. but i don’t know. i don’t really know do i?

i’m not really sure when this baby is coming. i’m not even sure if she really is coming. oh, god-whoever-you-are forbid. i’ve read that no two pregnancy is the same and no two labor is the same. but i’m already tired of hearing this and that, that i wasn’t this or i was too much of that. it’s my baby damn it! i want to hold her so damn much right now. i can’t wait already. the waiting is tearing me apart and it hurts to wait and to feel guilty that i wasn’t doing all that i could to help my baby come into this world. i feel like a bad mom. god, i’m not making any sense!

to tell the truth, i’m scared. i’m actually scared to death. i already lost a baby once. and i’m happy i got this far, that lyka and i got this far. but somehow i can’t help being afraid. afraid that we might not make it. it really means so much to me to feel her moving inside me. it is so much comfort, it’s already my morphine. i’m so scared that when i can’t feel her i try hard to assure myself that she’s ok. (god, what has got into me?) i want to see my baby so bad just to make sure that she’s there. and no matter what i read, or hear i still am scared.

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god, i’m freaking out. i don’t know what to do. the waiting is killing me and scary things keep popping in my head. maybe it’s just the hormones acting up. or the fact that i had a very bad experience before or that i’m having cold feet since this is supposed to be my first born. i don’t know. all i know is that i’m scared shitless and it’s real. and i don’t know waht to do.

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