slacker mommy files

slacker mommy files

anything and everything from the mind of a slacker-turned-wife-turned-mom

Article

Perfectly Imperfect

They grow up so fast!

They grow up so fast!

It’s been exactly 39 days since I quit my first ever full-time paying job at a call center. I’ve now been living my former lifestyle as a full-time stay-at-home-slacker-gamer-wife-mom. From what I’ve experienced, going back to my old job is not as easy as I first thought.

For one, my kids are no longer the kids that I used to know; they’re smarter than before, and they learned a handful of new skills (I’ve only worked out of the house for four months but four months is like four years in a kid’s life, if you’d remember). I am now faced with logical arguments for the situations that used to be resolved by the answer “No.” I never really expected to be confronted with sentences that start with “But mommy,” or “Why?” I realized that in the time I was away, my kids kept on growing up and learning things whether in school, or on their own. Their changes still astound me.

Secondly, I am now more often bombarded with sudden bursts of “I want to be with mommy” attacks. Somehow, my kids missed me so much that they can’t get enough of me. Even something as simple as a nap should be done with mommy lying beside them till they fall asleep. Yet, it is a paradox as well that when I go out of my way to try and do something with them, I’d get a reply to the tune of “I want to do [insert activity here] by myself”. I am at a loss at times on what to do on these occasions. So, I try to do my thing and let them do theirs. But I still find myself doing something that is opposite what my kids had in mind. It’s frustrating and genuinely insanely driving me crazy.

So instead of tearing myself up about it, I try to be myself as I am. I am still Kuting, and at the same time I am mommy. I try not to beat myself up if I am not up to par with the Martha Stewart-esque moms that I used to think as the epitome of motherhood. I can never be like that. Instead, I am still my old selfish, childish, petty self. I argue with my kids a lot, but they still know I am their mom. I may not be respected in such a way as my parents taught me how a parent should be respected, but I am still loved for who I am and what I am to my kids. I may not be earning my own money now, but at least, I am with my kids every single minute of the day now. And that makes up for more than monetary earnings.

The important thing is my kids see me as mom. Perfectly imperfect. That's enough.

The important thing is my kids see me as mom. Perfectly imperfect. That’s enough.

I may not be a great mom, heck I don’t even think I’m that good a mom. What matters to me is how my kids see me, and they see me as mommy: cranky, loving, slacking about, bossy, selfish, petty, forgiving, condescending, sweet, self-deprecating, funny, scary, perfectly imperfect — just plain old mommy. That’s enough.

Article

Thoughts on Ohio Rape Verdict Aftermath

Outrage_A

Yesterday, I was just surfing the web, trying to adjust to the old life I left four months ago. There were a lot of funny things I read and saw, also a lot of “aww…” stuff as I would call them. There was also this one thing that made my head hurt a bit. It was about the petition being sign by thousands, if not millions of people in America right now. It is about the petition for for the way they covered the . CNN is, of course, not the only news network to cover the case, but they did get the brunt of the outrage. The coverage, from what I could gather, focused, and even sympathized, with the two convicted 16-year-old high school football stars, Trent Mays and Ma’lik Richmond. There was the air of pity and regret that these two young men will have the stigmata of being branded as sex offenders to haunt them their entire lives. It is this sympathy that sent Twitter ablaze.

Now here’s my take on all of this. I think that there is nothing wrong in how CNN covered the case. Granted, I’m not American, but I am a woman and I have two daughters, so I know where I’m coming from. Also, CNN’s stress on the ruined lives of those two young men, I believe, is a subtle reproach on the consequences of rape, at least on the convicted party’s part. Do you really need to crucify those boys? They were stupid! They were drunk! They barely know what they’re doing but they have an idea that it is wrong. Would that help anybody? Certainly not the boys and their families! Those boys are people, too. They’re parents, siblings, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins — they’re people as well. Don’t they deserve any sympathy?

These tweets are all focused on CNN apologizing to the victim, and maybe doing a segment on her, maybe an interview, I don’t know. But do you think hounding the victim for her thoughts, her outrage will do her any more good than just letting her be? She’s not looking to be a star, to have her shame hung out like laundry left to dry out in the sun. How exactly is devoting an hour-long segment on her and her experience help her? It won’t. It will just be further brand her as “the girl that was too drunk in the party she got raped by a couple of football stars.” Would that help her when she applies for college? Will that help her land her first job? Will that help her raise her kids? No. CNN did her a big favor by not focusing on her. This way, when all this hoopla is done, she’ll be forgotten. Once, she’s forgotten, then she can rebuild the pieces of her life shattered by this unfortunate incident.

Let's teach our kids to protect themselves...

Let’s teach our kids to protect themselves…

I do believe that the good netizens and the citizens of America have their hearts in the right place, but they are misguided in how they want to implement this. Giving a face to a rape victim will not just leave her more shattered by the reminder, she will also be open to ridicule, threats and harassment. Putting the culprits to shame and humiliation, and letting them do the time might help rehabilitate the offender, if they do want to be rehabilitated. Giving advice to teens and adults alike on how to save oneself from being rape could also help in preventing these rapes. But let’s be honest for once. You can tells kids not to drink at parties, not to accept drinks from strangers and people they just met. You can tell them not to go to seedy bars and clubs. You can tell them to come home early and always be with a trusted friend. But they won’t. They’re teenagers and young adults. They want to hold their lives by the reins and gallop away however they would want. They want their freedom. So unless you have raised them to be responsible from the start, they might be vulnerable to rape by doing stupid choices. I know, I’m stupid myself, so I know the risks. Then you’ll tell me about responsible women being abducted and raped and even murdered, well, that’s a different situation so don’t put that in this context.

All I’m saying is, leave the girl alone. Everybody knows about rape, and getting raped in parties and during dates. There are thousands of sources and pamphlets and articles and brochures on the subject. There is no one sure way to keep our kids safe in this world. But we live in it, and they will live in it. Our responsibility is not to keep our children safe, but to teach them how to keep themselves safe, and pray that they will do as we taught them. They will make decisions, and some of them will be bad , even as bad as the decision the kids from Steubenville, Ohio made. Some of them will be good as well. We just have to make sure that we taught them right, and that we let them know we love them and care for them without suffocating them. That’s the only way I know that I could arm my kids as they go out there in this scary-beautiful-wonderful-dangerous world that we live in. So don’t harangue CNN for the way they covered that rape case. You’re wasting precious energy. Instead look to your kids, make sure they know they’re loved, and arm them for the world. And hope they’ll keep safe.

Article

Me ish back!… (sort of…)

zombie-fication... It's a real process... and it's disgusting...

zombie-fication… It’s a real process… and it’s disgusting…

I can’t quite believe that the last entry I made before this is back in October. A lot has happened since then. Notably, the world did not end, obviously, and now I have a job! Yay!

I never thought that a slacker could ever be able to hold down a job for almost four months. The fact that I did, or am, somehow makes me believe that it can be done. But I have to throw in the towel, and go back to my old haunts and be a shut-in again. Despite the fantasies I have about keeping a job — the regular paychecks, the sense of fulfillment — somehow, it doesn’t translate too good into real life. I won’t give out the sordid details, but I guess, just like what happens sometimes with any other relationships, my job and I are just not compatible.

Being a customer service agent is not easy. You have to take calls 8 hours a day, not including team meetings and any other things. You also have to anticipate your customer’s needs so that they will have a good customer experience that will reflect upon the company you’re representing. It’s really a tough job! You could get to take easy calls, and you could encounter the “nightmare” calls. The worst that you could experience must be to be the brunt of the most foulest and most demeaning tirades a customer could ever give a service rep. It sucks. Big time.

I thought that this job would be a piece of cake. Training was a breeze. But when I finally took in calls, I was a wreck. I may not have looked it at all, but I felt like I was run-over by twenty semis down a bumpy, muddy country road. It grated on my nerves that someone would have the audacity to make me look or sound stupid. Well, I can’t blame them, really. Though I know what I was supposed to be doing, my mind is obstinate enough to just remain blank and leave me hanging in the middle of a call. It’s hard. All the technical stuff is easy. It’s the interaction with the disembodied phone voices that’s hard.

To add to that dilemma are a bunch of family issues that seemed to have cropped up out of nowhere: bills, kids, hubby turning into zombie, kids looking very much like zombie food, bros asking to borrow money, me having no money to let borrow, the help resigning her post due to imminent zombie crisis, another help kicked out because she’s already a zombie, me lacking sleep, me turning into a zombie slacker, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

I wonder how other people could take the immense pressure. I am just lucky I have a soft mattress to fall back on. But how about the others? I guess there is no other choice for them but to move forward. I wish them all the luck, and all the strength that they will ever need. If I can, maybe, I could help them look for easier alternatives. But at the moment, I will give them all my love for being brave souls taking on this task.

So, now, I’m back… kinda… and keep this journal running… XD

Article

Living a Semi-Charmed Life

As far back as I can remember, I have been lucky in life. I once got lost in the labyrinth that is Moriones, Tondo. I was about 2 or 3, thereabouts, and all I have for a companion is another child with Downs Syndrome. We wandered about for the better part of the day, and I could never remember how I got home safe and sound. Since then, somehow, I managed to get all the things that I wanted in life without working so hard for it. The thing is, the universe has a weird way of making checks and balances. School came easily to me, but I was a misfit of some sort. I had friends, the best friends I would ever have in my life, but I am emotionally distant and clueless about their own feelings. In my senior year in high school, I got into UP Diliman, the only school I applied for, but my school principal and I mutually lost some amount of respect for each other for my academic choices.

The setbacks I get in life seem to be proportional to the luck that I receive. I am strong willed to an extent, and when I want something, things conspire for me to achieve it, at a price. The latest luck I got is to get a job outside of the house. I got it. I got my wish. But with it came an unexpected freedom because I have to leave my family – husband and children – behind. The reason I’m moving out is so intricately convoluted that I myself am no longer sure what really is the issue. The point is, a little later today, I will be moving out, less than 24 hours after I got a job. How serendipitous is that?

My world is in a turmoil. Everything turned at the head of a pin. I am both ecstatic and devastated. But hey, that’s life, right?

So now, it seems that I have a clean slate before me, as it were. I have no other course but to move forward and see what life has in store for me. If I am to go back this way, I must travel far, and only time, circumstances, the universe, or something else entirely can tell if I will be allowed to return. For now, I have eyes only for the road in front of me.

Article

Don’t…

So, anyway, I’m attempting to write…again. Mostly, all I got are flash fictions, but what the heck. Enjoy if you would. XD Leave a comment, or whatever. XD
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Will you open it...?“Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?”

The box just sat there like a silent accusation. The bozo who left it in the passenger seat was long gone in the labyrinth of cars in the parking lot. Kat took a long drag from her electronic cigarette, willing Connie to hurry up with her shopping. If only the windows weren’t busted, she’d be inside the store with the AC turning her into ice and her glasses into fog, instead of out here baking like a lesbian cream pie.

“Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me!”

Somebody just turned out the sun. Total darkness never seemed so…total. But what was that? Light. Light from the box! Fear, excitement, curiosity, apprehension and bewilderment coalesced in the pit of her stomach. She absently dragged on her ecig again. As the vapors met with the light, colors and shapes came into life. Rainbow light filled the car, flashing psychedelic auroras, banishing the darkness beyond the open windows. Prancing purple unicorns, operatic green tigers, solemn orange hyenas and mathematical chartreuse guinea pigs spouting the secrets of the universe vied for her attention. They kept on coming, leaking from the sides of the box’s lid. She reached out a shaking hand to open the box, not wanting to do it but unable to resist all the same.

“‘Bismillah! No, we will not let you go!’ ‘Let me go!’”

Something slammed on the other side of her door. Impossible as it is, shadows were moving in the darkness, whispering things unintelligible and barely audible. Dark, shapeless, hulking things, blacker than the blackness blanketing everything around her. She cringed away, the transmission stick digging in the small of her back. From beyond the dark, a small pinprick of light began to glow. The whisperings were starting to get louder, more frantic. The glow came closer, inch by inch, looking more and more like eyes…

“ROOOOOAAAAARRRR!!!!” The tiger growled in her ear, startling her. The psychedelic vapors were agitated. All were trying to open the box’s lid, but they couldn’t. Another slam came at the door, this one stronger than the last. Then something slammed at it again, and again, and again. Hands began to reach in from the outside. Disembodied shadows as insubstantial as the aurora figures began to tear at her. They caught her hair, her blouse. Dark talons left long angry scratches on nearly every patch of her exposed skin. She screamed in silence, the only sound in the world came from the terrified auroras and the sinister darkness. “Come… with… us… You… are…” Kat couldn’t take it anymore. She reached out and opened the box.

“Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…”

“Oh, great! Now where the hell is she?”

Connie got in the driver’s seat, irritated that Kat had gone off in one of her random walks again. She noticed the box but thought nothing of it. Under the seat, a pair of broken glasses sat abandoned.